How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality