Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.