I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first