Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.