Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.