awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I want to meet the individual who made this
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.