[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
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Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*