Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Mornin
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.