Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I want to meet the individual who made this
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.