I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
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professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
sigh
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.