ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
ouch
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
PARKOUR
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?