Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
You Might Also Like
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.