Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon