Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Yup
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or