Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.