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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Not today.. 😂
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Don’t forget to tip your server
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.