Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
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The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Merica.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.