Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.