When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Bring back the McRib
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?