“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
You Might Also Like
Every house has this drawer
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
This January has 47 Mondays
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child