It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.