If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Something Saturday.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.