10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
This is my pinned tweet
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂