Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
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meow
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
You wish you had this many chins.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.