Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
You Might Also Like
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
This is me
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
That lamp looks PISSED.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.