Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
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What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great