welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
You Might Also Like
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.