Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
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“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived