“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?