If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.