A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow