Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Imagine having a party on purpose.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians