The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
where the womens at?
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.