[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!