My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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Breaking news:
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My dog ate my work from home.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
hmmm
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*