JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
You Might Also Like
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*