(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
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*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.