[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
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The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
😂😂
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
broke down and did it
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products