I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
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wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool