[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?