i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
You Might Also Like
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
the battle rages on
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”