I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
They also CAN sing✌️
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.