Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
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SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
brian had himself a morning…
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.