I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
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How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]