The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
You Might Also Like
A dad and his duck
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!