Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
March 16
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way