“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I have many caverns
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.