SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Dishonest mechanic?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it