Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
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“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.