my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened